Home » The Gray Rock Method is a Mental Model    


The Gray Rock Method is a Mental Model — 19 Comments

  1. yes, the situation in DC is incredibly disheartening, re: the mentality of our country. I think most of those voters are just clueless, don’t know what they are looking at. for example my BIL loves the president. yet I can’t even talk to him about his brother or mother because of how badly they abused him: he gets triggered. he has normal empathy and is very traumatized, yet he is still blind to these people, he doesn’t understand how to spot them. he grasps what I have told him about his brother and mother and agrees it is the best explanation, but cannot generalize it. people cannot look at the personality characteristics and recognize what it implies about a person’s basic character.
    I do think that the spath population could be as high as 10%. I wish that Dr. Kiehl would start looking at the spaths that can function in society without ending up in prison.

    I think I am very glad that I didn’t figure it out until he was out of my house. I was terrified enough at that point, but if he was still there, I think I would have been paralyzed with fear, to understand how his mind was working. you are very brave. very resourceful. an unrecognized hero.

  2. Mnav,

    That is a very sweet thing to say. Yes, I remember how terrified I was to learn what he really was capable of. I left in the middle of the night with everything I could pack into my little car.

    As for your BIL, you’d be surprised how many people who are themselves disordered, were also abused. Not all, but many.

    I know one who was targeted by a sociopath. Under his guidance, she became worse, more abusive and cruel than before. After he discarded her, she was extremely traumatized. Later, she reverted back to being as abusive as she was with him. She was always that way, he just brought it out in her more.

    But until the point where they decide to turn on you, they use the pity ploy to keep your sympathy and appear to have normal empathy. I fell for it with this woman. I thought she had seen the light when she got discarded. She certainly professed to. It was a play for my sympathy. We have to remember look for behavior that is inconsistent with the person you believe you know. The way they vote and the politics they profess can be a BIG red flag. Not that you have to cut off contact with everyone who votes differently from you but you should definitely maintain very firm boundaries on your emotions/pearls.

  3. yeah, I should have run screaming when I found out he liked Bush. and how ironic, I would take Bush back in a heartbeat now.

    and yes, I have seen that pity ploy in action, and the ploy of spiritual awakening. mine was so skillful. now I have to deal with his mother who is trustee of my kids’ inheritance, and she believed all of his lies. so now she won’t let my kids visit her because she hates me. when all I did was appropriately defend myself and my kids from his insanity. it’s like being in a cult, and who ever leaves the cult is shunned, even after the cult leader is gone. I know if I told her the truth all it would do is break her heart and make her hate me more.

  4. My Psychopath pretended to be a liberal, guitar-playing hippie when we met. But we never discussed politics or religion. Then decades later, he began listening to “Hot-Talk” radio. By that time, I just didn’t even know what to think about him anymore. When Bush got elected I wanted to cry, both times. Now we find out that Bush wanted to cry when Trump got elected. Now the tables are turned and Bush knows how WE felt.

    So there is justice in the universe. You just have to know how to look for it.

  5. Hey all, it’s been a while!! I’m needing advice and will try to summarise.. So I’ve had what I think is a spathy encounter and have now ended it. Basically, a man that I know through my job has seemingly innocently offered to do some jobs for me……some garden work mainly. This has escalated and on Tuesday this week I had a light bulb moment after only 2 ‘dates’ if you can call them that.My question is ….I’m worried that I can’t do grey rocking face to face. Ive been very non dramatic/ not blaming him in my emails…….basically said it’s not right for me…. I need to retreat. What I’m not sure how to react is if he turns up at my door…….I have a feeling he will. How do I handle it?

  6. Hi Strongawoman! It’s good to “see” you.

    There are different ways to Gray Rock and you may have to find just the right type to fit your needs. Most people think you have to look brain dead to do it, but really, it’s usually about being polite and business like – professional, like you might treat a client.

    In your case, a business personal may not work because you’ve become friends but you can be boring in other ways.

    For example, if you’re worried about him showing up at your door, don’t answer it. If he sticks around and waits for you to open the door because you need to go out, then act surprised and tell him that you were taking a nap. Mention how tired you’ve been lately and how you fall asleep in the middle of the day, or right after work. Act really sleepy and absent minded when you’re around him.

    If he’s outside your door waiting for you, tell him that you’re late because you fell asleep. Make it clear that you have no time to talk because you’re late.

    Remember, the man in the sushi bar, who first told me to be boring, used the technique with a person he was living with. That must have been exceptionally difficult. Still, he never, ever suggested to her that he wanted to break up. In her mind, it was her idea.

    Another suggestion – and this one worked for me personally – is to TELL the spath that you are a boring person with a boring life. They tend to believe almost anything you tell them. In my situation, the woman left me alone and I never saw her again, within 5 minutes of telling her that I was boring. Try dropping that comment at an opportune moment and see if it helps.

  7. Hi Sky! Thank you so much…….that is very helpful! There’s been no contact since Wednesday but you know only too well what these ‘types’ are like; massive understatement!
    I was worried for the first few evenings that he might be lurking outside…..the ex spath had done that, telling me later on that he had looked through the gap in my curtains. I know the hallmarks…..it just took me a few dates this time to recognise them. So, I suppose I’m getting better but I was still angry at myself for allowing him to manipulate me. Thanks again….I will wear my pearl pendant!

  8. Strongawoman,
    Another thing spaths have in common is that they like to deprive their victims of sleep. Just like infants, they can sleep soundly at the drop of a hat, but their supply must stay awake in case the infant needs them.
    I know of one spath who would tell his victim, “You can sleep all you want when you’re dead.”

    So I’m interested in how well this will work. By sleeping all the time, you might make the spath determined to wake you, but at the same time, by staying the course and continuing to act sleepy, you’ll be depriving him of supply. Hopefully, he’ll get bored soon and run away.

  9. Yes I agree…..it’s a tricky manoeuvre this ignoring/sleeping thing. My ex, when he was first messaging me before we had even met, stayed “away’ at my request as I had just lost my beloved dog. Eventually, after several months and possibly several other rejections, he messaged me……that was it; the start of my nightmare.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

HTML tags allowed in your comment: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>