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Steps to Healing from Domestic Abuse — 119 Comments

  1. Hello to everyone!

    I just want to thank everybody here for having helped me get so far in my healing process. I love the insights and advice, the support and encouragement, the AHA moments and revelations, everything. My spiritual growth just since April has been greater than it has been in many years.

    I truly found a very wonderful community here. I have taken advantage of you all by exposing my deep-rooted anger and resentment towards the ex spath I endured. I stooped to his and all sociopath’s and mentally disordered peoples level by acting childishly and dismissive about their evil traits.

    I am deeply and truly sorry for having offended anyone here. It breaks my heart that I did exactly the same thing I have been repulsed and hurt by to you beautiful souls. We all deserve a place we can go to find comfort in others having shared similar experiences. Not a place where one individual takes over the message board with juvenile insults directed towards sociopaths just to satisfy my cruel desire for revenge in a pathetic way.

    I have many issues to work out, but I clearly need to do this in private. I’m truly sorry from the bottom of my heart. I tend to learn my lessons the hard way and it was not fair to expose anybody here to my spath-like qualities. I know I’m going towards the right direction though, because I feel utter guilt and disgust in myself.

    SKY ~ You are amazing. Thank you so much for getting me on track. I am eternally grateful. A friend once told me God puts people in our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

    I thank God for giving me everyone here for a reason and I will take what I learned here with me for a lifetime.

    I hate that I offended anyone. Please forgive me. I am too ashamed to be here. Maybe once I get my head screwed on straight I can pop in to say hi.

    Sky, please don’t delete this.

    Love to you all. STJ, SLIM, PARALELLOGRAM, ONE JOY AND SKY – peace and love and God’s blessings.


    • OK, woundhealer, I’ll leave it up but it isn’t necessary to be upset. The edit button is there for a reason! We all make mistakes and have to edit once in a while. ((hugs))

  2. oh woundlicker, I am sorry for showing up to a place you consider a safe harbour and agitating a sensitive point to such an extent that others were offended, and you feel ashamed and wish to hide your face.

    Never having much of it growing up, honest and firm correction is an act of love and care in my books. It is a component of working through issues, and not a condemnation of a person’s overall character. This situation IS working through the issues that need to be worked out. It might even shape up to being some kind of solution. Please don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. xo, Parallelogram. Sweet dreams everyone.

  3. Hey Ms. Healer,

    Also consider reading Kathy Hawk’s article on anger (as part of the healing process). Anger is a healthy part of anyone’s healing. Some of us have pretty good access, and some of us don’t. NOT having a healthy ability to access anger can trip a person up…..so maybe, I don’t know, your venom is not as misplaced as you might think. It may be helping you along.

    I am not trying to ‘take away’ your apology, or your realizations about yourself. I am only suggesting, as Parallelogram has, that there is a baby in this bathwater, and upon closer examination you may be able to nurture the angry baby- rather than throw her out.

    You have never offended me. Ever.

    Much love,

    • Slim, good article. I fixed the link so it’s clickable!

      Kathleen has a lot of wisdom. She taught me that anger and other emotions are there to signal us to pay attention. That has helped me so much. Emotions shouldn’t be ignored or suppressed. They should be paid attention.

      Once we notice our emotions signaling to us, we pay attention to WHY and WHAT they are signaling.

      • Thanks Skylar for making it clickable, and being OK with me posting it here. I think anger is frequently misunderstood, and something many of us repress or feel really ashamed of. I got terribly and suicidally depressed as a result of not being able to access and process some ‘healthy’ anger. This article helped give me permission to find my anger.

        So, I hope, as the article did for me, that it can be validating and supporting to whomever reads it.


  4. Slim,
    you’re welcome.

    I used to have more anger. It went away. I don’t know where it went. Is it repressed?
    Maybe I don’t need it anymore. A lot of it went into gray rock. When I realized that other people were feeding on my anger, I stopped. They were egging me on, trying to get reactions. My parents did this. My ex-spath did it.

    Like Kathy says, anger serves a purpose. To be angry without a purpose for the anger, just fuels hatred.

    I found an interesting article about anger. I’ll probably put it up as a post. soon.

  5. Skylar,

    Yep, I understand. Mine went into gray rock, and no contact. It became focused and purposeful. I only ‘exploded’ in safe places, with safe people, who were not baiting me. Anger, like any other feeling, cannot be exposed to abusers and users. Its their fave food!

    Gotta go to work!


  6. Pingback:Why I Struggle to Let Go of Richard; Also, Musings on NVLD/Asperger's | Nyssa's Hobbit Hole

  7. I have been a reading, copy & pasting addict, I found this website that may or may not have been posted but the links and sources are sound.

    I am full right now, needing a break from this reality, not that I have any intentions of stopping, but I feel like I have swallowed rocks. The links on that site for emotional & sexual preditors and the narcissistic connection was enough for today. So much truth, bringing memories I wish I didn’t have, tugging on my self value, and knowing in reality I am not responsible for what he has done to so many.
    I will continue to absorb, not only for myself, but for others who will need what I have found, and help those who are ready.
    He has done a great job in slandering me, gathering his fold to believe I am the one to fear and avoid. I am just recently gathering my dignity and stepping out with my chin up to live out there. I have nothing to be ashamed of. Nor am I going to allow the spath any power to hold me back anymore. The worst is I run into him or his followers and they look at me funny! I am slowly reclaiming my power, and knowledge is power. I realize that by telling him this type of info in the past, it was used against me, as if it was me, and he did homework.
    Each day I am grateful, painful or not, I am moving forward.

  8. I think I may have made a mistake. I do like the top posts from this site except the engulfment fears, and the authors response to a woman defending her own issues who then got cussed out and slaughtered. I found the post to be a touch angry, but more on the butterfly effect and sweet flight of a deep loving woman. I found no personal info about her negative experiences with this man who couldn’t love back with his commitment issues. Am I the only one confused by the post and her response? As a new guest, I had no clue from that post AT ALL that this man raped her. If anyone has read this post, am I reading or misreading this, please tell me. It is an idealistic yet illogical read and response. I have deep compassion for anyone who has been traumatized, especially raped, but I did not see a response like that coming. I could just MYOB, but it touched me.

    • Mslily,
      that was a good article. I didn’t find the link you mentioned on engulfment fears, though I looked for it.

      There were many links on that site and some were questionable, as far as the perspective being offered. These are personal blogs afterall, and the blogger’s perspective isn’t necessarily a healthy one, nor are all of the comments being offered.

      As you begin your journey learning about psychopaths and their victims, you’ll find lots of contradiction, lots of wtf? moments, some episodes of abuse, a good helping of hypocrisy and everything else you thought you were running from. You’ll also find compassion, understanding, love, knowledge and wisdom. You will learn to discern what is helpful from what is not, that’s part of the learning curve.

      We’re all on different parts of the journey of recovering from abuse. Sometimes, we get stuck too and we end up ruminating or repeating the lesson. None of this is pleasant, in fact, it’s very unpleasant. The companionship though, makes it bearable.

      Try not to spend too much time on sites where the main course is drama. That’s a red flag that the author is just trying to get attention or site traffic. Drama is contagious and not calming to the spirit. Most of us have become so accustomed to drama that it’s hard for us to turn away from it. We’re used to being scandalized.

      On the other hand don’t turn away from seeing evil and acknowledging what you’ve seen because that is one of the things we neglected to do in our early lives. We need to learn to call a spade, a spade and to know that if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it is a duck.

      Lastly, there is the fine line between being a victim and taking responsibility. That’s probably a life long lesson in boundaries.

      • Skylar, spot-on. I’m in a tar-pit, at this point in my recovery. I’m not “feeling” ANY sense of healing, here, but I accept that there are ups and downs in the process.

        Mslily, there is so much overload of spath information, misinformation, drama/trauma, and bogus accounts that it’s very overwhelming. Sometimes, this can really, really hinder recovery.

        I contribute and seek help from other blogs, as well, and there will always be more information than I can process at one time, especially when posters are recollecting their personal traumas. I tend to be hyper-empathetic and internalize other people’s trauma, to my own detriment. So, I have to be very, very careful about how MUCH I can absorb, and how much I can contribute, safely.

        Emerging from “Victim Status” is a serious challenge. I’ve worked very hard on shedding that status and refusing to make a career out of being a victim. I noticed that this was happening, years ago, when I would ask for help, direction, clarification, or suggestions, and experience a great deal of response – mostly positive, or intended to be taken AS positive suggestions. Of course, to maintain my position as a professional victim, I would respond to suggestions with, “Yeah, I see what you’re saying, but ______.” I had more excuses than Carter had green liver pills. So, finally, people STOPPED responding with suggestions and encouragement and simply said, “Gee. That’s too bad.”

        Evil is. That’s as far as the mountains of reading, research, questioning, and dirt-digging has gotten me. I cannot change this fact. I cannot negotiate or bargain Evil away. It just is. It always has been, and so shall it always be. MY job is to recognize Evil, accept what I’m seeing, and slowly back away lest Evil is startled and strikes, quickly.

        (snort, chuckle) Evil IS easily startled and quick to strike when it’s discovered.

        • MsLily,
          I’m sorry I had to delete your quote from that website because of copyright issues. Legally, we can’t post a quote without linking directly to it, under the the quote.

          I looked and can’t find the quote on that website, so I couldn’t link it for you. After further inspection of that blog, I have to say that I don’t want any links to it on 180rule.

          Honestly, I did take a good look at the blog you are referring to and I was left with a huge WTF? moment. According to her blog, she is a writer who writes novels about sadism and masochism. She has been published in SNM Horror Magazine… and then she has a blog about surviving rape and abuse.

          Her blog is extremely confusing to me and I can’t always tell who is writing. I think she has an additional blog about a white feather and has back tracks to this other blog.

          There is one article where she complains about joining the bondage sado-masochism community and then being assaulted. um… isn’t that the definition of why one would join such a community?

          But her articles are about NOT BLAMING THE VICTIM, NO MATTER WHAT THE VICTIM HAS DONE.

          To me, it really sounds like a dramarama blog site looking for someone to argue about who is responsible when someone gets raped after they practically stand there with a sign that says, “rape me.” This goes way beyond getting drunk and being taken advantage of.

          I would call it denial but I don’t think it’s that either. I think the blog author is manipulating her readers, fishing for drama addicts so she can sell her S&M books.

          MsLily, turn away from the drama blogs, they have no place in your healing except to remind you that spaths are everywhere.

  9. Good points Skylar and Truthy, and MsLily, welcome, there are some strong folks here on this blog that will help you on your journey, help you find maps, and encourage you when you fall down.

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