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Scandal Must Come — 211 Comments

  1. Dorothy, I can’t reply underneath your posts but I figure you’ll be able to see this. I can’t log in or out without great difficulty today and I’ve tried 3 browsers and after a half hour I made it LOL.
    I’ll have to log out to read your post because if I try to navigate to your post to read it, or anywhere else here, the site logs me out. I just wanted you to know I read your post, I just can’t reply to it, it seems.

    • Ancient Heart,
      Sorry about your problems logging in. I think it is related to caching, and if you clear your cookies history, it might help. I’ve cleared the cache on the server, hopefully that will help too.

  2. CRAZY MAKING……….this is what happens when the physical violence is absent. The exspath used to move my keys from one place to another, and watch me go frantic trying to find them.

    A link that discusses crazy making, in detail: http://www.abusivelove.com/AbusiveLove_4_07.htm

    Use the “previous/next” options in BLUE directly below each passage. This is some seriously GOOD information that accurately demonstrates what every survivor of a predatory human being has experienced. VERY good information.

    • Truthy…….you are absolutely correct about in leu of physical violence and IMO, this is just as damaging on every level and in every way only more chicken sh*t. I said to him two things that are on this topic……….Once when my brain/ heart was in total melt down I said, “why don’t you just HIT me”? His response…….”do you think I’m stupid”? (he had been arrested once for DV a long time ago with one of his ex-wives. Supposedly it was no big deal, the charge was reduced (first offense).
      The second pertinent exchange was when I asked him if he was a serial killer and he said “too messy”!
      Im here to tell you that i feel like I have been physically, emotionally and mentally raped. If everything I suspect is true and it looks like it very well may be, he is the lowest looser to ever set foot in my life.

  3. Truthy! Great site. Unfortunately I’m seeing a lot that sounds VERY familiar.
    I also did a couple of these things and find myself saying…yeah but it’s because HE was being so covertly abusive and sometimes overtly abusive (I know now). I know I did a few things that were “”passive aggressive””, like not answering the phone on several occasions BUT, I also know that at those times there was nothing i had to say and I was trying to be less available to his beck and call?
    I’m going to explore this web site more! Thanks!

    Skylar, I watched the movie Doubt again last night……fell asleep though during part so I’ll have to try again. Anyhow, I noticed something about the part I mentioned before, the part with the priests?
    So, they are eating bloody red meat, smoking, drinking, laughing about something inappropriate (someone being fat). The next sceen they show the sisters all sitting at the dinner table, everything quiet, very orderly, and they are being served milk. I know it’s significant in some way but I can’t put it into words yet.

    • Dorothy,
      I remember that from the movie. The contrasting behaviors between the two groups was telling, yet at the same time I think it was meant to be confusing. The nuns were held to a strict standard of manners, it seemed so unnecessary. While the priests were just relaxed and having a good time. It made the priests seem more friendly and accessible while the nuns seemed ridiculously uptight.

      I think the message was that evil people will never appear obviously evil, they will appear very charming and friendly. They’ll invite you to relax and have a good time, as they walk you down that slippery slope.

      My ex-spath is that way.

      Although, I’m sure that this isn’t the only mask that a spath can use to lure victims. Generally they will mirror us, so their masks are many.

      • Skylar, The way i viewed the scene with the priests is that they were behaving in debauchery. I can’t say that right! LOL They were giving in to “sin” and the nuns were behaving in a religiously appropriate way. AND yes, the priests were being this sinful way amongst themselves, hidden from the public light.
        Nun’s and priests, monks, etc, usually are expected to lead a fairly disciplined life style and shun the “worldly pleasures”. The nuns were doing that but the priests were wallowing in worldly pleasures.

      • Dorothy,
        I’ve never been a nun but I’ve known a few. I think the idea behind joining an order is not necessarily to shun “worldly pleasures” but rather to shun worldly values. Enjoying the things of this world isn’t forbidden for clergy, but valuing those things too much is discouraged because it disconnects them from valuing God above all.

        Obviously the priests were indulging too much and had passed the point of good judgement, in that scene.

        I remember one day back in the 80’s, the spath showed up at my apartment. That day, I had decided to take the day off. I had skipped class, was playing with my computer, eating chocolate and feeling a guilty pleasure about it.

        I said, “I feel so self-indulgent.” The spath was fascinated by this, he said, “Indulgent, huh…”
        I could tell by his face that this word had really gotten his attention and it was a WTF? moment for me.

        I’m still not sure what was so fascinating to him about my using that word. I just know that it really got his attention.

        • Skylar…….they are SO weird. FREAKS! In another dimension. SO many WTF moments that passed through me in a blink of an eye it seemed. Everything was moving too fast. I couldn’t keep up. Mean while there is life going on and sorting out the WTF’s never happened. The whole thing was WTF I suppose. What a looser!

          There are so many details I wish I could just sit down and ask you about! At this point I don’t know that there is any reason. He is garbage to me now. It’s like a dream that wasn’t real. The first person I’ve had a serious relationship with (not) that I do not ever want to speak to again. Nothing. In the septic tank he goes.

          Im not a nun either…….LOL!!

        • Dorothy,
          You and I, and lots of other people were spath attacked in love relationshits but spaths are everywhere!

          When I was attending a Catholic grade school, we had a nun for a teacher. She was the nicest, most popular teacher in the school. She took on the project of directing the entire Christmas pageant each year, for several years.

          About halfway through the year, she started to come to class crying. Finally she told us, her class of fifth graders, that the other nuns were mean to her. They bullied her daily. This went on for a long time until she finally had a nervous breakdown and she went away. I don’t know where she went or how. She never came back.

          NUNS!! for goodness sake!

          Sometimes, when I think that maybe I should’ve joined a convent because my life would have been soooooo much easier, I just remember my fifth grade teacher, the nun who was bullied by other nuns.

          • Skylar, I am just having such a hard time putting that Spath together in the same person I loved dearly. I did not love him unconditionally because I expected and desired my needs to be met as well and to be treated fairly and honestly and obviously that was not happening.

  4. Dorothy, you are suffering from cognitive dissonance, just as everyone who has survived a sociopathic entanglement has.

    When we have a system of beliefs, it is emotionally, mentally, and physically painful – PAINFUL – to accept that a person’s bad behaviors are occurring. Therefore, to avoid that trauma, we attempt to wrap our beliefs around THEIR behaviors, choices, and actions to FIT our beliefs. It’s a “coping” mechanism, and everyone in recovery has experienced it.

    “Acceptance” comes when we are able to see the facts for what they are, and realize that the facts cannot be re-negotiated or bargained into facts that are less painful. We are not mandated to “like” the accepted facts, but to acknowledge that they cannot be disputed.

    Treating people fairly and honestly is a reasonable expectation and, when someone fails to meet that expectation, I used to excuse that failure and take responsibility for their actions, myself. I didn’t DO enough for that person. I didn’t CARE enough for that person. Therefore, I DESERVED to be disappointed, abused, discarded, dismissed, etc……….

    Today, it’s a completely different approach. I hold no expectations of anyone outside of my own Self. If someone does the “right thing,” then that’s wonderful. If someone behaves “badly,” then it’s NOT my fault and I’m “allowed” to cut that person out of my life. It doesn’t make me “mean” or “judgmental” to take this course of action. It empowers me to sustain my own boundaries for myself, and for others.

    Acceptance will come, in due time, Dorothy. Today, find something to be grateful for about this experience: you didn’t enter into a legal, binding contract of marriage to the spath, and THAT would have been catastrophic on EVERY level. 🙂

    • Truthy, I’m sorry it’s taking me so long to “get” this. I was just telling someone today…….I’ve been around, in relationships with, raised with, partied with, been screwed by, been screwed over by, etc. etc. etc……….people my whole life. It’s not like I was living in a convent, was released and on the first day out, met this POS!! LOL!!
      I have NEVER been this distroyed, mentally, emotionally and physically in my LIFE!
      I stayed with the POS because I was honoring my love for someone I don’t even know now but my love and desire to be in a relationship, for the long haul, was real. He was not black and white abusive……or so it seemed. Now that i know that even when he wasn’t being abusive, I was still being abused…….OMG 😯 my brain just wants to erase it all and i can’t. it truley is like a nightmare that will never end. I just (maybe less and less? MAYBE?) keep thinking there has to be a mistake! How could he have said all those things and not meant any of it? Who is he REALLY?? The fill in the blanks are endless.
      Yes, thank GOD I didn’t get married to the POS. AND, in spite of my rugged, well rounded past, I had no idea that people like this existed……….anything close to this looser was the stuff of books or movies. Not real world, so this has been a very important lesson. However, the VERY scary thing for me is that I do not carry people lessons forward with me very well at all. I have a history of bad selections and he embodied most of them only on relationship Spath steroids. And in spite of this emotionally disastrous Spathcapade………I have already seen myself on at least two occasions for sure, and a possible third, open myself up, drop my boundaries and defenses, etc to men I barely knew. And a woman I barely knew. I just can’t seem to keep my eyes open and my mouth shut in the moment. It’s very frustrating and to be honest, frightening. I’m seeing the weak link in my make up. In the moment, everyone is my friend. After the fact, I’m like….DOROTHY! Why did you SAY that, Why did you buddy it up to a perfect stranger? The ORKIN man? SERIOUSLY?? TMI !
      And the whole time I’m chatting away with this dude I don’t even know, never met before,,,,,,,,Im wondering if he’s a spath! You would think if one minute you are wondering if the guy is a spath, you wouldn’t be saying anything personal to him the next minute but it’s as if I’m half asleep and I don’t even think about what I say until later and then I’m just shaking my head.
      My BFF (LOL) knows this about me…..she saw it right from the time I met her. She said………”the first time I met you i just wanted to hold you. You were just so “fragile” and vulnerable in this weird kind of way, like a child”. I was 40!
      She is 15 years my senior and wise beyond description. Her friendship and these web sites saved my life in more ways then I can put into words.
      Sorry!! Im on a ramble!
      Thank you Truthy. You are so wise. Thanks you

  5. Many times people live their lives trying to REWRITE THE PAST HISTORY of their lives….If ONLY….I should have….I could have….why didn’t I?

    These are intrusive thoughts that come sometimes when we are trying to think about something else.

    I’ve had a hard week, this past July 14th was the anniversary of my husband’s death…and maybe that’s what triggered my deeper depression, lack of energy, minor medical issues, lack of enjoyment, sadness, sleep problems, and of course all of these things make the situaition worse….sort of like a HAMSTER ON A WHEEL, THE FASTER WE RUN,. THE FASTER WE GET NO WHERE.

    I’ve tried to MAKE MYSELF function, in baby steps…do the dishes, feed the animals, sweep the floor. In cognitive behavior therapy we do the ACTION even if we don’t feel like it or want to do it, and slowly, EVER SO SLOWLY, the emotions follow the actions.

    Ruminating over and over about why didn’t I say or do X, Y OR Z is wasted counter productive effort….and I know it. It is STILL DIFFICULT for me to DO what I KNOW TO DO…spent an hour with my therapist today and was telling him how I felt, and he kept telling me to do things I am already DOING…so it “felt” to me like it was a wasted session…. but it wasn’t really. I DO need to be reminded to force myself to DO THE RIGHT thing even if I don’t want to.

    There were times after the plane crash, that first year, when I would go weeks without a bath….and dishes piled up to the ceiling, about the only thing I did was take food to the dogs, and come back into the house and stare at the walls…I probably should have been hospitalized I was so depressed, so in SHOCK…but slowly, I started to DO things. Started to enjoy a few things…and then it would seem like another SHOCK would hit me with something else and I didn’t have the resilience to overcome it, it knocked me back to my knees again and again….but that’s what happens when we have an emotional “sickness” or “injury” just like it does with a physical sickness or injury, it saps our strength and so if another bacteria comes along we get even sicker.

    Old people who are very frail frequently get pneumonia and die because they do not have the strength to fight off the disease that would be thrown off by a younger more healthy person.

    When we are in the throes of an emotional injury or insult it effects our bodies as well as our minds, memories, and also our immune system, kills brain cells and connections and we have to work hard at recovering.

    Just like when the muscles of my leg were withered after my achilles tendon rupture, I had to work hard at strengthening those muscles even if it hurt to do the PT. And because I had not exercised much during the time I was limping, I was WEAK all over…and with much exertion I became short of breath, I gained weight, etc. so that’s why it is important that we not just sit down and cry about our feelings and think we are helpless, because we are NOT helpless…people can cheer us on, pat our heads and encourage us, but in the end it is a DO IT YOURSELF HEALING PROCESS….even with therapy, medication, and knowledge, there is still lots of HARD WORK. Time alone won’t heal us any more than it did my tendon, I had to do the work that went along with it. I had a great surgeon and I have a good therapist, but the bottom line is I have to do the work. Even studying and k nowing everything there is to know about psychopaths and how they work and think and how they conned us won’t help us if we don’t do the things that will strengthen us physically, mentally and emotionally.

    It is a FACT that stress kills brain cells, and craps our immune systems but that is why we must MUST MUST work at decreasing stress, and working through the emotions and getting o n with o ur lives even when we don’t “feel like it” or even want to. The only other option is giving ujp, and that’s NOT AN OPTION FOR ME.

    • Oxy,
      The anniversary of a traumatic event sometimes makes our emotions sneak up on us, it’s likely that has added to your sadness. Here’s a cyber ((hug)).

      It seems like this summer has been hard for many of us. Maybe it’s the heat.

      Today, I finally broke down and had some chocolate in my coffee. I have to say that it always helps a bit. Chocolate is amazingly therapeutic. The theanine in chocolate is known to be a mood enhancer and I always buy baker’s chocolate that doesn’t contain any sugar or dairy. I drank it with my morning coffee which I drink black anyway.

      I do tend to develop a tolerance to the mood elevating properties though, so I can’t make it a habit. And, of course, chocolate isn’t a substitute for therapy… but it sometimes helps.

      Dorothy, you said:
      “…the VERY scary thing for me is that I do not carry people lessons forward with me very well at all. I have a history of bad selections …”

      While I understand that you are soul searching yourself for whatever it was that made you vulnerable to the spath, (and I totally agree with doing that) I just want you to know that you are NOT alone in that particular vulnerability or the way that you are feeling about “people lessons”. This is how betrayal plays out in our souls. It is also what the spath intended. Spaths betray us so that we will doubt ourselves, so we will lose our confidence and trust. AND IT WORKS.

      My mother reminded me yesterday of something I told her that happened over 30 years ago. I was engaged when I was 16 and my fiance’s older brother asked me, “What are YOU doing with HIM?” LOL! Even his brother could see I had a broken picker.

      And I know most people were thinking that with the spath too. It was obvious, but most people wouldn’t say anything because they either knew he was cheating or were too afraid of him to make that kind of remark. Being with the spath always felt like owning a dangerous, wild animal. A lion that could turn on you at any moment, but you love it anyway.

      Then it betrays you and you can’t believe you didn’t see it coming.

      You are making progress, Dorothy, I can see it from here.

      • Skylar…….I loved my lion……I miss loving my lion. LOL
        You know, I spoke to a woman I’ve known up here for quite a while. She was more of a bar friend but I like her and her hubby very much. I used to shoot pool (and drink of course) with her husband and always had good feelings about them both. She is a Rieki (sp?) practitioner and teacher and just a wonderful dear person. ANYhow, I saw her after Spathtard and I broke up and spoke with her several times on the phone…….She said to me….”Dorothy, There’s something about him I’ve never felt good about. The first time I saw you with him I couldn’t believe it. Why is she with him”? But she let me do my thing and my thing was him. Several people have made comments to me since we broke up. “he’s weird”, “he’s creepy”, GUYS! BUT, I’ve also had people say that they thought he seemed like a nice guy so…………who knows.
        Yeah, my picker is broken for sure…….I’ve always been wildly attracted to “bad” boys to varying degrees. My bio mom was the same way. So that is something I know, have known, and THIS Ahole takes all of the bad boys I’ve ever known and makes them look like sunday school. Why? Because he is twisted, warped, deceptive, abusive, a liar savant…………..a POS LOOSER!

        Skylar, do tell! What do you do? Just put the chocolate IN the coffee? That is interesting!

        • Dorothy,
          when you miss your lion, just look at the scars he left on you!

          Usually I make a hot chocolate by adding cocoa pwder, hot water, agave syrup and sometimes milk. But today, it was just cocoa and coffee.

          • Sky, I drink copious amounts of coffee, from time to time, and I always add a dash (or, three) of cinnamon to the grounds. This has 2 positive effects. The first is flavor, but the second is that cinnamon has extraordinary properties that help lower blood pressure and other things. 😉

            Then, a couple of pieces of dark chocolate? Yes….my recovery and care is ALL about me, at long last! LOL

  6. OxD……oh, sweetie, I had NO idea that this was the “anniversary” of your husband’s death. HUGS, HUGS, HUGS, HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Of course, it’s a reminder of that loss and it’s “normal” to revisit that tragedy!!! As time goes on, the “anniversary trauma” wanes a bit, but it never evaporates. Yes, of course, this explains a great deal and we are “allowed” to feel sad over such a tremendous loss. In your situation, it wasn’t a the passing of a parent from a medical issue or old age – you experienced a horrific event that resulted in the loss of your husband. (((((((HUGS)))))) Criminy, I still grieve over my parents’ passings, and it’s been over 10 years, now, since my mom passed and over 15 years since my dad’s passing. Hugs and hugs to you, Oxy.

    Dorothy, “past issues” have a great deal to do with having a “bad picker” of friends and companions. In my sessions, I have learned how deep and far childhood traumas have effected me. I made my choices of friends, lovers, and spouses based upon my own shame-core issues and past traumas. I believed that MY health and well-being was SECONDARY and the health and well-being of everyone else FIRST. I was taught that I was “UN”worthy, “UN”loveable, “UN”deserving, and flawed in every respect. This wasn’t intentional, but it was the result of being raised in a dysfunctional dynamic and it is consistent, across the boards, with just about everyone who was raised in a dysfunctional family environment. I was not TAUGHT about my Self, and the issues of abandonment, invalidation, neglect, and abuse have been carried on my shoulders for over 50 years. I’m not going to recover overnight, and I accept this.

    Please, do NOT apologize for the progress of your recovery, Dorothy. There’s no schedule or time frame, here. Recovery is a lifelong endeavor, and you are making forward momentum, as Skylar pointed out. You just don’t see it because you are in the middle of it. So, no more apologies. Aren’t you WORTHY of taking time? Don’t you DESERVE time to recover and heal?

    • Truthy, thank you so much, and Skylar, for your kind words above. I am trying and time IS seemingly helping though i was laying in the hammock today and started crying for him…..calling to him in my mind that I miss you spath…….why did you have to be this way? I would have done anything for him…….ANYTHING that i could feel good about doing but he made doing things for him feel bad………really bad. And then he kicked me in the teeth and told me the whole entire time that he loved me……….so low, just so low.

      Truthy, all you say above was so true for me until I quit drinking. My selections in friends all of that was for the most part not good although i’ve always led sort of an odd double life. There was partying Dorothy and not partying Dorothy. Partying Dorothy…..not so great. Not partying Dorothy…..better.
      When I turned thirty, i quit drinking for the first time in my life and things just started happening. People came into my life that were healthy, spiritual, awake……and ever since then it’s been like that. So since i was thirty, I’ve been off the wagon and on the wagon then back off and now back on. But the one thing that never changed was that these people stayed with my through thick and thin, non sober and sober and several of them helped steady me through this whole last two + years.
      I know what a person who is good for me to be around “looks like”. I’ve known that for quite a while. I have the most diverse array of friends of anyone i know. I couldn’t possibly describe it.
      I have probably 10 people in my life that I feel like I can say just about anything to. What I have not had in love relationships I’ve made up for in friends. Some of these people are almost like surrogate family members. My BFF (LOL) is like a Mother, sister and friend in one person. I have a couple men in my life who i almost think of as older brothers. There are several of my male friends who wouldn’t mind kicking the living crap out of that retard right about now.
      I left really bad people behind me long ago when I quit drinking( at 30, the first time). I’m not saying that I haven’t hung around some drinkers but not like some of the people I used to party it up with.
      This POS Looser Spath is lower than ANYone I have EVER encountered. My brother is a dyed in the wool sociopath BUT, he is not maliciously inclined. He’s just a total mess but do i think he would ever hurt someone on purpose because he wanted to hurt them or get even or, fill in the blank? No. People may get hurt inadvertently, causalities, but that is NOT his intention. I can see VERY clearly that he will never change. He is a little better, maybe a lot better than he was when he was younger. He hasn’t been in prison for many many years. I honestly don’t know why……I think he still does drugs to some degree and i KNOW he drinks to a huge degree but why all of a sudden he stopped getting is serious trouble? I have no clue. He hasn’t had a drivers license for years but that never stopped him from driving. It’s a mystery.
      My point is……………..I do have good decent people in my life. People who love ME, care about ME, see ME for someone worth caring about. This freak is a huge exception to my norm.
      Noone I’ve ever known would do this to someone. They certainly are not perfect but this is something so off the planet, and for a “””man””” who’s friggin 48 years old?? OMG!
      ;-o ~~~~~~~ I just want to vomit thinking of him inside me. He’s a rapist plane and simple and if he would have done it in another way, by physical force, I would pursue him till I got justice. But I can’t because he used deception rather than force and that makes him even lower.
      Can you tell I’m angry?? Hurt? Sad beyond description? That I shared my home, my body, my true heart with a lying rapist?

      • Dorothy, feeling angry is “normal” in the process of healing and recovery. It can be a VERY “good” energy that helps us to get things done.

        I identify with the visceral reaction to recollecting sexual interactions with a predator. I literally feel my gorge rise when I think about the things that captured the exspath’s interests – bond/age, torture, rape, murder and veiled necrophilia – and, all against women. And, I entered into a legal, binding contract of marriage to that THING. EUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

        But, it is what it is, and there’s a book that I strongly and highly recommend titled, “The Emotional Rape Syndrome,” by Dr. M. Fox. People who have experienced the carnages of a sociopathic entanglement have survived “rape,” on every level. “Rape” is defined as one person TAKING from another person without the victim’s CONSENT. We didn’t ask for these people to try to ruin our lives – but, we DID allow them into our lives and gave them our trust when they didn’t earn it.

        OxD says it best: watch, listen, and observe. People who mean to inflict harm will ALWAYS tip their hands, at some point. If we disallow ourselves to “feel” impetuous or rushed, we can sit back and observe.

        For me, this whole mess of experiences has been necessary. No, I don’t “like” what I’ve endured and survived, but I am NOT the same person that I was 2 years ago. I’m a stronger, more resilient, and more skeptical of human beings. And, I’ve put my own Self, first. I will never, ever, EVER “feel” that desire to give another human being the way that I did with the exspath. I just won’t. I don’t even entertain the idea of having another partner or companion, again – I don’t. I will not compromise MY needs for another human being, again. Nope. I aspire to being a person of truth and acceptance – with those two tools, I can experience “love” at its purest and most unadulterated level.

        Yep, you’re getting there, Dorothy. It just takes time.

        • Truthy………….it’s all horrifying. I’m reading the Stalking the Soul book. I can’t remember who mentioned it here but I got it and it is mind blowing. A lot of the way Spathtard was does not fit but a lot of it does. There is a quote in it that really confuses me because it flies in the face of everything else I’ve read in it so far. Here it is:

          “Emotional abusers sometimes appropriate the passions of the other because they care passionately about the other. But more often, they get interested in the other because he or she possesses something the abusers themselves might care about passionately. One sees in abusers wild infatuations followed by brutal and irreparable rejection”. pg 131/132

          this book is very good but I have a little trouble reading it sometimes, something about the way the wording is. OH! I just remembered……I think this book was translated from French! Yes, it was. No wonder the wording is a little strange sometimes.

          Regarding my “needs”, I truely feel in my heart and soul, one of my “needs” is a physical relationship/ companionship with a man. not a manboy mama’stitsucking Spath but a real man. Of course i’m not going to die without that and I certainly have things in my life that I enjoy with or without someone but I do desire a companion and someone safe enough to give to and receive from.

  7. Thanks guys. Got a sinus infection, had to drive 60 miles to my ENT doc and then back home….gonna take a pain pill, get an ice pack and go back to bed…you guys keep it between the ditches. Love Oxy

  8. Well;, I can’t say I feel better physically, the infection/abscess is still painful, but I’m taking care of myself and resting as much as I possibly can, taking my medication and just doing what I absolutely have to do.

    I’ve had a “war” going with a raccoon who has been trying desperately to get into my duck pen every night and every live trap I have put out for him, he has learned to avoid springing the trap and getting the bait anyway. He has worked very hard to dig into the pen by going under the wire, they are very very smart critters.

    Out of desperation and frustration, last night I set a “leg hold” trap, which I do not like to use as I think they are cruel, but at the same time, having my ducks torn limb from limb by a predator is also cruel, so I set it where I thought he would step into it. He did step into it and it apparently caught him, but he did escape from the trap, and I doubt that he will return now after that unpleasant experience. From the evidence I saw this morning (the trap was sprung and moved to the end of the chain it was secured with (so he did not haul the trap off into the woods) so I know it did catch his foot, but I didn’t see any blood so my best guess is that he has a severely mashed foot and a memory of a very bad experience at my duck pen. Chances are there is no need to reset the leg hold trap.

    The fact that this animal also climbed my plum tree and took a bite out of every plum and broke off limbs (the tree is fairly small) also contributed to my desire to get rid of this particular mooch!

    While I realize this animal was only trying to survive he needs to go somewhere besides my yard! Predators of all kinds don’t give up easily, and in the case of the raccoon, I do hope he learned his lesson and goes back into the woods to look for food someplace besides a “free lunch” that might get him caught.

    • Oxy, I hope you are feeling better! This raccoon………… That’s what I feel like I was…….a “free lunch”. The thought of me loving him, wanting to love him, thinking everything was fine in the love department in spite of the seemingly endless issues and troubles. I really believed we loved each other and once we found a way to be together with out so many issues, everything would work out in the long run. I couldn’t count how many times he told me ” we’re good together”, “we love each other”,,,,,,,,,,,,,and I’d ask him….”you really mean that Spath”? and he would look me in the eye and say, “yeah….of course I do”. OMG!!!!!! I “believed it” and now I know that all the “issues” that we seemingly couldn’t work through were basically because he DIDN’T give a rats a** about me at any kind of level that would have made a difference. It’s horrible to think he was just laughing away inside while i made a fool out of myself for him and the relationship.

      Truthy…….by the time he tipped his hand it was too late, I was bonded to him like fast drying supper glue. AND, when he did tip his hand, I didn’t know what it meant. no clue. worst case scenario, in my mind, is that he was just dysfunctional, I was just dysfunctional and it wouldn’t work out but it would be mutual and we would split, not talk for a while, then be friends in the end. Like I said……He will be on the short list by himself, someone who will NEVER be in my life again in any way shape or form. Lying, deceptive sack of…………there aren’t even words adequate for how pathetic and low I view him…….down in Mommy’s basement at 48, 49? 50? LOLOLOL!!!! what a pathetic looser. I’m almost sure he has some kind of interest in children? they are right on his level anyhow.

      Truthy, I did get that book! Im wanting to finish Stalking The Soul first and then I’ll read it.

  9. Skylar………I just read this quote and thought of it for the main page.
    I got it out of “Stalking The Soul”, pg. 100

    “the art of war is the art of trickery, always appearing the opposite of what one is, thereby increasing one’s chance of victory”.
    The Art of War by Sun Tsu

    It makes my head spin and my heart ache.

    Here’s another:
    “No matter what is said, abusers always find a way to be in the right, especially when the victim is already destabilized and, unlike her attacker, takes no pleasure in polemics. The unease induced in the victim is a result of the permanent confusion between truth and lies. ” from Stalking the Soul, pg 101
    this book is just amazing. I could just keep typing quote after quote that seems to apply to one degree or another.

    • That book, “the art of war” is about how to live a dysfunctional life by lying and compartmentalizing.. That’s what spaths do.

      The book of the dead falls along the same line: denial denial denial.

      As long as we give them time and attention, they are achieving what they want.

        • Dorothy,
          spath sent me an email just last May. I ignored it. I haven’t spoken to him on the phone since sometime at the end of 2009. But really, can we ever really be NC as long as they rent space in our heads?

          • Skylar, thanks. I’d been meaning to ask you how long ago this happened with you. I just wanted a reference.
            No, I feel like I will never be rid of that POS Spathtard in my head. Like he went in there, took a dump and didn’t flush.
            ;-O ~~~~~~

  10. The Art of War and also the “48 Laws of Power” are essentially psychopathic “play books” telling how to get what you want by deception….the same guy that wrote the 48 laws wrote “the art of seduction” as well… the 48 laws was a difficult book for me to read as I was triggered with every passage I read in it. The man is COLD! He is right though, if you can follow those “laws” you would be elected president or dictator…because you would do whatever it took to get where you wanted to be no matter who you stepped on.

    • Oxy,
      I’ve read excerpts from that book. The behavior that it recommends is exactly spath behavior.

      I wonder if anyone can ever follow his advice without already having the underlying disorder that drives it. For example, he advises, “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” By default, an enemy would create feelings of repulsion in us and the instinctive response would be to make them back off. This advice instructs a person to not only suppress but also reverse the instinctive response, 180 degrees.

      The act of suppressing our own instincts, I think, has the effect of negating our reality. This kind of behavior reduces a person to a shallow facade and takes them down the slippery road to spathhood.

      • Sky, Oxy, in the Stalking the Soul book, pg 125 says,
        “Abusive narcissists are considered asymptomatic psychotics who find their equilibrium by discharging onto another person the pain they can’t feel and the internal conflicts they refuse to acknowledge.

        Skylar, Is this “Book of the Dead”, The Tibetan Book of the Dead? I’ve heard of it and I think it may have been a “tell” from a previous relationship with someone I think may have been a spath. It was some book he lent me but I never got around to reading and gave back unread, LOL!! That guy TOTALLY love bombed me/ seduced me into an affair…….I see all the elements now!! And despite that ill fated situation, the Spathx is STILL on a short list , by himself, because i’m still friends with that other person AND his wife. Very long story but he ended up being a somewhat positive person in my life. I don’t totally trust him in a certain realm but my relationship with him is totally above board for a long long time now.

        • I think Skylar may be talking of th Egyptian book of the dead. When Egyptians died their heart was weighed against a feather, and they had to tell what life they had led. But they used 180° reverse confessions… The Book of the Dead speaks of a ‘negative confession’: I did not steal, I did not take my neighbour’s wife, I did not kill my brother, etc…. Why did they do it this way? Because if you confessed your sins you ended up being eaten by the crocodile god, instead of allowed to go to the hereafter.

          Hence, the Book of the Dead is typical spath ‘denial/denial/denial’

          • Jill, maybe that was the book that guy wanted me to read……he was VERY much into Egypt. Egypt and Extraterrestrials. Eccentric.

      • Skylar, I have no ability to even come close to understanding how someone could hate someone enough to want to distroy them and still sleep with them, eat meals with them, buy them gifts, hold their hand, spend ALL of their free time with them…….I just can not understand that one bit. I think back to my relationship with my mother which was not great. there were things I hated about her but things I loved about her as well. I probably didn’t appreciate the things I loved about her enough and after she died, I missed her and still do. SO many regrets about all of that.
        Spathx said he loved me and made it seem like it was my fault that I didn’t KNOW that. It’s so blended together in my mind and memory that I think I’m going to loose my mind over this. I just want it all to go away and it won’t. I feel like a zombie in this world now. I “function” but i’m not really there like I used to be and I swear I was more connected to my life when I was drinking than I am now! I hate this. He has soiled my life and i want it back. A friend of mine said to me in an email the other day that she wishes she could wash him off of me and make me into the person I used to be. I just cry when I think of that because I know that no one can wash him off of or out of me.

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