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Revenge on a Psychopath — 213 Comments

  1. Hi Everyone,

    For a variety of reasons I have not been on the blogs much this summer, mostly fun and work stuff. Anyway, I am here, now, because the stalker is back, and I am sitting the fence with what to do.

    A brief history: Dated briefly. Met online (NEVER do it!), about 5 years ago. He was moving to my town for a job (so he said). We were briefly ‘romantic’. He moved here. Red flags galore. I ended it. He told me I was a heartless psychopath, and has, off and on, been stalking me ever since. I have been married the last 3+years.

    Now, he is lurking around my old office (I still work for same system, just in a different location). And, he attempted to get me to contact him by leaving a voicemail with one of the managers. She gave him nothing. He left his initials (sly fox) and phone # for a return call. I, and she, will not be calling him.

    Went to human resources who urged me to file a stalking order. My thinking is this is exactly what he would like me to do: meet him at the courthouse, in front of a judge, so he can see me and feel the drama. So I am not inclined to respond to him in any way. He was gone for about a year (didn’t contact me). Then, about a month ago, he sent me a text (don’t know how he got my phone #) telling me he would always love me and be there for me. I ignored it. Now he is escalating his attempts.

    My last contact to him was simple: Contact me and I will contact the police. But now that he has gone ahead and ‘done it’, I am having second thoughts about filing a report, which in my state requires we go to a court hearing. Ah geez…..

    Any ideas? Thoughts?

    Even though I don’t feel particularly threatened, I do feel nervous and annoyed, and violated. I know that these types can be unpredictable, but I also know how much they thrive on getting us riled up, twisting up our time and energy into their games.

  2. Slim, stalking is unnerving for sure… I think what happens in cases like yours where he was gone and didn’t contact you for a year is that he had OTHER SUPPLY but now she/he/it has gone away and he is going back through his “little black book” trying to get some “action” and attention. I think he will bother you until he finds NEW SUPPLY from someone else.

    I think the NO CONTACT, NO RESPONSE and if he gets TOO pushy and coming and calling your work, just then consider calling the police and filing a restraining order. I would DOCUMENT every call, text and every time he shows up, lists witnesses and exact times and where and how long he stays. If he doesn’t let up in a reasonable period of NO RESPONSE and he gets more and more pushy then you can consider an order. And sometimes an order just pithes them off worse and they do get violent.

    YOU are 110% RIGHT ABOUT ON LINE DATING. My son met his wife on line and I knew from the get go she was BAAAAD news and 7 years later she and her BF try to kill him. Her disabled son had died and she no longer needed a regular husband to work and support her, plus she stole 25K$ from my mother. LOL Yea, NO on line dating and any kind of on line anything you should be careful VERY careful. Remember the Craig’s list killers, not just a few but quite a few. Set you up to rob you then kill you.

    Just be cautious, also I suggest you get a can of WASP SPRAY, the kind that shoots a stream of poison about 20 feet…it is GREAT for defense, not illegal and also EFFECTIVE. Carry a can of it in your car and keep a can with you any time he might find you…like walking to your car from work, going shopping etc. I guareentee if you squirt him in the face he is not going to be able to harm you.

    I personally prefer a gun for self defense at least in my home, but for being out and about, the wasp spray is great.

  3. Slim,
    I’m sorry to hear that the spath has made an appearance again. They do have that annoying habit of recycling old supply for drama. I think you’re right, he’s trying to get a rise out of you. But there might be more to his plan than just to see you when you appear in court. I found a website http://www.womenslaw.org/

    This website sheds some light on the legal issues around filing for protective orders and stalking orders. The tab under, “Know the Laws” lets you choose your state and you can see the requirements for who is allowed to file which orders. There is a possibility that the length of time that he has been out of contact with you could prevent you from getting the order. If you don’t hire a lawyer and you don’t file correctly, the judge would deny your order and the spath would get to feed even more from your distress. Also, he would then have open access to you with impunity. I think that might be his plan. He probably thought of it when you threatened to call the police. Never threaten a spath, just do it.

    At this point, I think you have two options:
    1) either ignore him and be as boring as possible, no squeaking when he squeezes.
    2) hire a lawyer to really nail him. You might be able to have the lawyer represent you by “special appearance”. I think that means that you aren’t able to be there, so the lawyer appears in your place.

    Recently, there have been some stories about domestic violence in the news. But I’m disappointed that it only gets on the news when it’s about physical abuse. There are so many types of abuse that are equally traumatic: emotional abuse, financial abuse, spiritual abuse and (like your spath) legal abuse.

    Different spaths specialize in different types of abuse and I know that all spaths can restrain themselves from hitting a spouse/partner if they think it’s in their best interest. I’ve heard many spaths truthfully say, “I’d never hit a woman.” They never would because they don’t like to drop their masks. Instead, they hide behind legal maneuvers to make themselves look like the victim. Furthermore, they will spend a long time researching, plotting and planning on how they will get away with their evil.

    If you end up having to respond to his legal BS, I would recommend you hit him with a NUKE bomb of legal maneuvers so that he never thinks he can get away with this again.

  4. Hello everyone,
    like Slim, I haven’t been here for quite a while. Life has been very hectic but at least it’s been peaceful and ex free. That is until last week when a friend rang me and told me he is dead. Result, you may think; I cannot count the times I have wished he would slither off and die. I suppose I would have preferred not to know. It has certainly had an adverse effect on me; lot’s of memories that were buried have been coming thick and fast and causing me much consternation! I seem to swing between glad and sad……and let me assure you feeling sad at it’s demise isn’t something I ever expected to feel. What the hell??!

  5. Dear Strongawoman, GLAD to “see” you again. I may have some understanding about how you were triggered. In 2007 while I was in hiding from my son’s “friend”, living in my trailer, pretty much in the abyss of emotions, I got news that my biological father was dead. This is a man who was my sire but did not raise me but out of curosity I went to live with and work with him when I was 18. He had a very exciting career/business that involved travel all over the world, private airplanes, expensive cars, etc. and so I went to get to know him.

    Well, I got to know him. He was a BRUTAL man, and had actually killed several people (murder, not in combat) the man was a psychopath delux, but I stayed…until after a couple of years, he beat and raped me because I refused to sleep with one of the men he was trying to con. I ESCAPED with my life, but barely.

    Okay, when I got the notification of his death by old age after 40 years of NC…I too thought I would be THROWING A PARTY!!! But I wasn[‘t thowing a party, and while I thought I had LONG AGO but everything to rest and made3 peace with my memory of him, no….I apparently hadn’t…and for a month or two I ruminated about him, couldn’t stop thinking about him…memories,. both good and bad surfaced, even sadness at what an empty shell of a human he had been. He was very very wealthy and I had always imagined I would SUE his estate and they would “settle” with me rather than give me anything, and then….but after his ACTUAL death, my fantasy evaporated. I knew he wouldn’t leave me any money, he hated me. He had slandered me, told everyone I was evil and crazy and that I would tell them he raped me, ya da, ya da…but at the time of his ACTUAL death, not the horrible one I had always imagined for him, I realized that his money was BLOOD MONEY, and I DIDN’T WANT IT, NOT REALLY. He wouldn’t have but if he had left me 100 million dollars I would have DONATED EVERY SENT TO CHARITY…to some GOOD work. I wasn’t the only one he didn’t leave any thing to, he cut off his two “good” children and left it to his MINI-ME youngest son who is also I believe a psychopath and worshiped his psychopathic dad. And then, amazingly after a month or so of ruminating over the events of 40 years ago, I really WAS over it. And I THINK YOU WILL BE TOO. So don’t let this sadness etc get you into a big blue funk because I truly believe this is just your fiinal processing of this whole thing and you will be somewhat relieved that he no longer pollutes the planet’s air. I think you may be being sad more for what MIGHT HAVE BEEN than for the reality of it all. Me too. God bless!

  6. Hey Joyce, lovely to “see” you too. Thanks for telling me about your father’s demise and how you felt. It sure feels strange that I’m free of him!!

  7. Slim & Strongawoman! So good to “see” you both!

    Slim, I experienced stalking, harassment, and vehicular tampering and I didn’t get much relief with law enforcement. Listen to your gut on this. If he gets no response or (really what he wants) reaction, he’ll become bored, I think. Bt, the moment that you really feel that he’s crossed into “your world,” then you should be able to file for a permanent Order Of Protection, as per your locality.

    Strongawoman, I had the oddest reaction when I learned that the first abusive exspath dropped dead from a massive coronary. My first reaction was that it couldn’t have happened to a better person. Then, I began to actually GRIEVE, and I believe that I was grieving for what “should have been.” I was sad for my sons, and I was sad that I had truly tried to love an abusive psychopath.

    It’s okay to feel these things, Strongawoman – if you can, it might be helpful to just journal everything that you’re feeling, and give yourself permission to grieve about what “should have been.”

    It’s wonderful to “see” you, both. You’ve been missed.

  8. Truthy! Thank you for such kind words. I thank my lucky stars that I stumbled across you lovely people when I was completely ignorant of what I was dealing with.
    I like the idea of a journal. I kept one when I was trying to cope with all the craziness in the early days of leaving said spath. It was very therapeutic to write to myself.
    The idea of grieving for what should have been is something I identify with. These strong emotions I’m feeling are like grieving; but for myself; as you and Joyce have both said. I also feel a great sense of relief, not just for myself but knowing he can’t damage anyone else ever again.
    Thanks again and I hope you are well my dear Truthy

  9. Strongawoman, “this too shall pass” is the phrase I use when I come up on these things like your “grief” about his death…it WILL pass with a little time, and before you know it. At least you are right that he WILL NEVER HURT ANYONE AGAIN, and you know death is the only way they will ever quit hurting others, especially anyone who loves them.

    So just hang on, you are going to throw this feeling off and Truthy’s suggestions are good as well. Whatever it takes to get you through the acute part of it.

  10. Oxy and Skylar, Truth, Strongawoman,

    Thanks for your replies. For now I am sitting tight. I will get the spray though, great idea. I am being vigilant, and not taking any chances with my safety. He has made no further contact. My husband and I both feel comfortable giving him nothing at this point, and seeing if he continues to escalate. If he does we will be contacting an attorney. I would, obviously, prefer we not have to do this. I will check out women”s law, too.

    Strongawoman….I totally get that all that grief would come up again. It makes sense, really. It is possible to feel very opposing feelings and have both be very real. It is a huge new trigger to find out about his death, and naturally would initiate a new batch of feelings, and a revisiting of old ‘stuff’. It will pass. I bet it will pass, and be replaced with a deeper sense of relief and peacefulness.

    On a rather sarcastic note, I feel it’s really too bad they couldn’t just all drop dead at once.

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