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Precious Pearl of Purity – The Opposite Of Slime — 762 Comments

  1. Sky, the story of the old lady and the rear ending of the car….well SHE was apparently willing to be involved in an ILLEGAL SCHEME and I would bet dollars to donuts that she gave him part of the money you had given her.

    You know, it is difficult to cheat an “honest” person in that case. There are people who will go along with such a scam of an “insurance” company…didn’t he have LIABILITY ON HIS TRUCK? If not, he was driving illegally in most states that REQUIRE you to have at least a minimal liability policy.

    And of course, the ULTIMATE victim is YOU.

    • Oxy,
      There’s much more to the story:
      months earlier, the spath began to drop hints. He said that he was inventing a bird feeder for caged birds. It would solve the problem of seed shells mixing with the seeds and wasted seeds not getting eaten. It would have a fan that lifted the lighter husks out of the way, while the heavier seeds dropped down so that the birds could continue to feed. He was working on a design in his CAD program.

      I thought that was interesting.

      Much later, when he hit the woman’s car, he mentioned that she lived alone, in a house next to her mother’s house, with only a bird as a pet…. interesting. When I got the car, there was bird seed all over the back seat because she takes her bird with her to lots of places. I also found her library card in the back seat.

      The mother, is/was in her eighties and she is the mayor of the little town in which they live. Being mayor is only a part time job.

      All of this happened the year before the final con, so I never suspected anything then. All of those puzzle pieces emerged from the WTF? bucket more than a year later and I put it together.

      He really may not have gotten any money from her. I paid the auto auction company a small amount for the car and spath was legally obligated to pay the rest to the insurance company. Of course, I had to pay it. And no, spath never does anything legally, so he doesn’t carry auto insurance. He does better than that, he just gets to know all the cops in the area, so they never give him tickets because he’s their “friend”.

      The spath’s goal in life is to make other people cross boundaries, commit crimes and indulge in immoral behavior. Whatever else he does, it is in service toward that goal. So gaining money is only a side benefit and he doesn’t really care that much.

      By taking money from me and leaving me broke he was hoping to drive me to commit suicide. That would be the ultimate sin for me and he spared no effort toward driving me there. For spath, it’s not really about the money.

  2. Today, in the US, we are celebrating “Thanksgiving.” I wanted to offer my most sincere gratitude for where I am, today, and even where I was before I got here.

    For nearly my entire life, I did not ever feel deserving or worthy of celebration – or, even, acknowledgment as a human being. Today is the first holiday in years that I actually have a sense of being deserving and worthy of celebrating, ANYthing.

    My point is to express and wish my most sincere and brightest blessings to anyone who is suffering or grieving. Recovery and healing are possible.

  3. Happy Thanksgiving from the UK! I didn’t know much about this special day before but it seems we could learn a lot from you guys in the US. Giving thanks for what we have and showing gratitude are seriously in decline in my country. Everyone wants more, more, more! It’s so awful that the western world especially, measure success by gain and materialism.
    My experience has changed me. I finally paid off my debts that I ran up with Spath; I am grateful to my mum who gave me the rest of the money to settle it. She passed away in October so your words are ringing true for me particularly, Truthy. Life is sometimes very hard but there is light after dark and happiness after sorrow. I’m raising a virtual glass to Thanksgiving. I have so much to be thankful for. 🙂

    • Strongawoman & Sky, it’s an interesting concept to express gratitude and spend time with family or friends in a meaningful way, and the very next day, run out in the wee hours of the morning to stand in line, bum-rush a retail establishment, and fist-fight over bargains on “Black Friday.” ROTFLMAO!!!

      But, in all sincerity, this holiday was literally the first one in many years (if ever) that I actually FELT “deserving” of celebrating. Typically, past holidays passed with a deep sense of regret and sadness. The past 5 years were all spent with a sense of desperation, as well. In retrospect, this response was generated by other people with the full expectation that I wouldn’t allow myself to enjoy any aspect of any holiday or special event. From birthdays, to college graduation, to holidays, they were all shot down and minimized. Never, again. I’m building my own traditions and my gratitude, one step at a time. And, it feels “good,” at long last.

      Strict aside, Bob actually wanted participate in the “Black Friday” mayhem, as a lark, and we simply do not have a penny to spend on such a folly. BUT……he was so intrigued by this event taking place the day after Thanksgiving, that he watched YouTube videos of this year’s events and just couldn’t process what had been captured. He declared that he never wanted to be a part of this sordid event, ever.

      For those of us who have survived and emerged from “bad” relationships, regardless of whom was involved, we have every reason to experience gratitude. Our experiences have been horrid and wretched, to be sure – those experiences have shattered our beliefs in humanity, the Law, and in ourselves. But, we have the opportunity to reconstruct our beliefs and our lives to reflect the Truth without bitterness or hatred. We have this opportunity to rise above what “THEY” are, and be what WE are – empathetic without extremes, and truthful without cruelty. This, above everything else, is what I am grateful for. And, it is my wish that everyone who is surviving their experiences to emerge a stronger, wiser human being. 🙂

    • Truthy,
      Black Friday can be considered a holiday of it’s own. Economic transactions, according to Girard’s theories, were developed as part of the mechanism that keeps envy (mimetic desire) in check. Whether it’s the potlatch gift-giving celebrations of the North American tribes or the trading at your local Walmart, the idea is that if everyone has a chance to own things, they will envy their neighbors less and that’s what keeps violence down. That is why people trade, buy and sell.

      But you know how it is, with every ritual, there has to be a sacrificial victim(s). On the previous Thursday, the turkey gets axed and on Friday the frenzied crowd eventually polarizes it’s violence. Then the next month is a huge celebration of the economic transaction, which somehow, never actually seems to dispel envy at all.

  4. Truthy and Sky, I agree with you both about “Black Friday” and the Christmas selling that starts in September now. This is really the first time in 10 years that I have really felt “the Christmas spirit” and started in the summer making jams and jellies to give to friends…I bought cheap cute baskets in the flea markets for a couple of bucks each, took scrap christmas themed materials I got cheap at the auction, decorated the baskets and the jars, packed baskets full of jams and jellies…and this past weekend at the Thanksgiving camp out for my living history group, I distributed some to people that I wouldn’t see until after Christmas, and passed out individual jars of jelly and jams to just about everyone at the event….didn’t cost much and everyone was grateful and enjoyed my special recipes…

    The three things my therapist told me that we need for being happy and well balanced are

    1. GRATITUDE
    2. ALTRUISM
    3. ACCEPTANCE

    And I totally believe that without gratitude life is not much…without altruism, helping others, giving of ourselves, it isn’t much either, and of course acceptance of what IS versus being upset about what is NOT, makes life wonderful again.

    Many of us don’t have the money to rush out and buy buy BUY “stuff” but that doesn’t mean we can’t celebrate and be grateful and happy. If you look at the news, you will see that some of the most miserable and unhappy people are FILTHY RICH with huge multi-million dollar homes and all the things that money can buy, but they are miserable..their spouses cheat on them, or they cheat on the spouses, fight and hit each other, and abuse the kids…you know, money can NOT buy happiness or contentment.

    • OxD, I was speaking to my counselor about grasping on to any personal progress with a “death grip” – that was the term that I used in describing my feelings. She said that she wanted to offer me an option of gratitude, rather than holding on to progress like it was an overturned life raft. WHAT a light bulb THAT was, I have to say.

      After my mother became sober, I spent a lot of time in support group meetings – Alateen, Alanon, and some open AA meetings. There was this pervasive discussion of “attitude of gratitude” that I heard, saw, and believed that I understood, but have learned that I never really understood the concept of “gratitude,” especially when it felt that my life had crumbled.

      Feeling grateful is more of a blessing than anything that I can describe. Even feeling grateful for the ugly lessons that I’ve learned is a blessing. If I’m upright and breathing, it’s something to be grateful for, seriously.

      Altruism is very easy to present for the wealthy – setting up foundations or 501c organizations to “help the poor” seems so unselfish, doesn’t it? The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation was formed by bazillionaires who needed a tax write-off – they’re not down in the trenches actually feeding the homeless or holding the hand of a domestic violence victim. Those of us who KNOW trauma and are living in the aftermaths can offer so much more than money to those who are desperate, frightened, and despondent. We can offer empathy, sympathy, and understanding, in person and face-to-face.

      Acceptance? For me, it was understanding and putting into practice the concept that the facts and truths cannot be renegotiated, bartered, or bargained into facts and truths that were more pleasant or less painful. I am not under any moral, legal, or ethical obligation to “LIKE” the facts and truths, but I can accept them as a matter of recovering and healing myself – FOR myself.

      Nope………money pays the bills and can make Life a little easier. But, money does not buy happiness, under any circumstances. At this point, I don’t feel that I would trade my independent poverty for all of the tea in China. There is always a price to pay – tolerance of abuse, neglect, adultery, etc. is NOT worth money. As a strict aside, I worked with someone at the studio that was a legitimate multi-millionaire. He and his wife had probably married for appearances and adopted 2 daughters. They were involved in many, many “altruistic” endeavors, but they were not as “perfect” as they appeared to be. On occasion, the man would drop his mask and verbally abuse his wife in the studio, and the wife is (IMHO) a closet alcoholic. Both daughters were sent away to boarding schools for their entire lives, and they are as dysfunctional as anyone I’ve ever seen.

      So……..yeah. It was a “good” holiday and I’m looking forward to many, many more “good” times, ahead.

      • Truthy, that above post is very very VERY good. You pretty well summed up what I was trying to say about gratitude, altruism, and acceptance. Without those three things I don’t think we can really heal. They must be MAINTAINED though by introspection and changes in our attitude. we can’t change others, but we CAN change ourselves. You get my biggest ATTA GIRL Truthy!!! WAAAY TO GO!!!!

    • Truthy and Oxy,

      For many years, my family members used to call me, “Skylar, what do I get ______, for Christmas? I don’t know what she (or he) likes! What are you getting them?” They are so uninterested in each other’s lives that they don’t even know each other. When they give presents, they give things that THEY like. I would get jewelry (which I don’t wear), or hats (which I don’t wear), or candles, or fancy kitchen items and useless gadgets. Finally I told everyone to give me underwear because at least I’ll wear it. You should’ve seen my spath brother-in-law’s face when I opened my Christmas presents that year! He got to see my new underwear. 😛

      I like making the gifts I give. A handmade gift means that you’ve given a lot of thought to the person receiving it. Making something with your hands also expresses the identity of the giver better than any store bought item. So the handmade gift creates a bond between the two people. Or so I thought…it doesn’t work that way with spaths.

      One year my spath BIL and spath sister went on a vacation in the caribbean, on board a schooner type sailboat. They asked to borrow my video camera.

      When they gave it back, they left the tape inside, as though they’d forgotten it. In retrospect, I now understand that they wanted me to see it and be envious. But I didn’t see it for years because I never used that camera after that, I got a new one.

      So years later, I found it the week before xmas and I thought it would make an awesome gift to edit it into a really nice movie with music. I spent a week putting it together. My spath watched me do this.

      Even though the video was shaky and amateurish, I managed to make it into a nice movie. But what the spaths couldn’t understand was why I was not envious of the vacation. Envy was supposed to turn me bitter. I was supposed to be driven to suicide by comparing my horrible life with the spath to my spath’s sister’s life of endless vacations. That was one of the reasons spath sent the trojan horse to marry my sister. It NEVER occurred to them that I would be HAPPY for my sister. Spaths just don’t think that way.

      Just like I thought everyone else was like me, the spaths also thought that I would be like them. Instead, not only was I happy for her, I also enjoyed the work of editing video and music.

  5. Yes, Sky, one of the things we must learn is that THEY DO NOT THINK LIKE WE DO, their MOTIVES ARE NOT THE SAME…and we can’t truly understand them because their entire internal “culture” is different than for someone with empathy. LOL

    • OxD, I recently had another quasi-meltdown experience when I received a call from a service provider that wanted to be paid. Without going into great detail, I contacted the insurance provider to find out why the service provider hadn’t been paid. Well, because the exspath was the holder of the policy, checks were sent to him with detailed explanations of whom was to be paid and when the services were provided. Of course, the idiot deposited the checks into his account and had himself a very Merry Christmas – most likely buying additional gimp suits for himself. LMAO!!!

      But, here’s the kicker that caused me to break out of my funk. His attorney replied that his “client” had “advised” him that he had, indeed, cashed the checks, but that his client had been “holding” the funds in his checking account because he didn’t know whom he had to pay. I laughed so hard that I nearly lost my bladder. Of course, his attorney is going to be paid for forwarding the lame excuse, but I imagine that the attorney HAD to feel like strangling his “client.” How could a nearly-40 year old man NOT know whom to pay when all of the information was included WITH the checks?!?! ROTFLMAO

      So, the whole point of this post is that the disordered most certainly do NOT think like “we” do, and they absolutely have intent and motive behind everything that they do.

      What an idiot the exspath is, and I cannot imagine being nearly 40 years old and making up such a childish excuse as he did. If he really believes his own lies, then what a pitiful THING he truly is.

      • That’s the thing, Truthy, is that because we think ONE WAY And they think ANOTHER WAY because we have a conscience we ASSUME they do too…and they assume we are as amoral as they are so “game on”

        I saw this with Patrick, once when michael and I went to visit him, I went to the rest room in the visiting room at the prison and Patrick told Michael “I know you,, you are JUST LIKE ME” and was trying to get Michael to control me for him, to pull my strings until Patrick got out. LOL In fact, Michael is NOTHING like Patrick and patrick just does not see it because he thinks everyone else thinks like him.

        Part of our own healing process is to realize and ACCEPT that psychopaths do NOT think like we do…and if we assume that all psychopath have some sort of conscience they we make ourselves vulnerable to their abuse.

        As children we are taught MYTHS about “there’s good in everyone” BS! “It takes two to fight” BS! “There are two (valid) sides to every story” BS!!! and so on,, these are WRONG and we must rid ourselves of operating under these FALSE ideas. I wish that people who are “politically correct” about “everyone deserves a second change” and so on will get REAL but it seems that is not the case at all.

        • OxD, 145% spot-on. Getting to that point of “acceptance” that we will never, ever, EVER have the ability to “understand” their world is a challenge for nearly every survivor. Personally, I kept asking, “How can another human being that I care about simply NOT CARE? How is that even possible?” Well, the answer as to “how” is that they just don’t care, and why it’s possible is “because it is.”

          And, I’m one of “those people” that requires information to convince me of facts, and I’ve spent most of my lifetime working like a fiend to REFUTE the facts, even when the evidence is overwhelming and absolutely undeniable. Cog/diss kicked in because that was what I was taught, as a child, to use to process the traumas of living in alcoholic dysfunction.

          You are so spot-on about the flawed beliefs that I was taught, as a child. Mom was drinking, and she didn’t intend for me to be locked out of the house in the middle of winter in my nightclothes – so, I was obligated to pretend that everything was just dandy and that it was my fault that neighbors “knew” about mom’s “illness” because I would run to them when I was locked out of the house, alone, and freezing.

          It’s absolutely false that everyone deserves a second chance, and that there’s always 2 sides of a story. The spath side of the story is so far and away from fact and truth that it’s a waste of time to even entertain it.

          • Truthy it is a “shame” that it took us so long to catch on. LOL That deal about keeping the family “secrets” of shameful behavior seems to have been an almost universal thing among our families…if we allowed the secret to get out rather than stand out in the cold freezing then the problem in the family was CREATED by us, not the person whose shameful behavior caused us to be locked out in the freezing weather. Eventually we internalized this.

            My family’s mantra was “what would the neighbors think?” Like this was THE most important thing in the whole world.

            Actually, I recognized this fairly early on, but I didn’t really realize just how TWISTED this concept was. In fact, I used to joke that no matter what was going on, or even if she had a knife in her chest, and a neighbor knocked on the door, my mother would put an apron over it and invite them in for coffee. And that is almost the truth, only slightly exaggerated.

            Later, when I studied “family role theory” and realized that if a family is protecting an offender that the “problem” is NOT just the offender, but the entire family. Same with the scape goat ini the family. If the scape goat escapes, another member will be shoved into their place.

            Or the family enabler…when my grandmother who was our family enabler died…my mother took over her spot which was almost a 180 degree change, she went from despising her abusive alcoholic brother to PROTECTING HIM and not only that but DEMANDING that others do so as well.

            Then after my step father died, mom started grooming me to be the “family enabler” and protect Patrick and when I refused all hail broke loose…

            It is almost like a SCRIPT…there is actually a book called “Scripts People Live” and it is very good, and I realized finally that I had lived a SCRIPT. Jumping off that stage is difficult but being the author of our own lives is the ONLY way to live it well.

  6. OxD, exactly! If one family member fails in their role, the understudy takes their place. Eugh…..

    And, “what will the neighbors think?” was also very prominent in our dynamics. It’s a common thread, I think. It’s also a common thread in the development of cog/diss – I never had an inkling of what “normal” or “healthy” was, so I had to invent stories for other people’s behaviors because they didn’t fit into my system of beliefs, no matter HOW flawed those beliefs were. And, the script that accompanied the dysfunction had me in a perpetual tailspin of depression and anxiety.

    Being at this other end of the spectrum – all business and extremely UN-trusting – is a place that is unfamiliar to me and uncomfortable. Learning about what’s healthy and normal has been interesting and challenging, to be sure. But, I know that I never, ever want to be the person that I once was. I most certainly DO want to have the joy of life return – that appreciation of life and the world around me. That will come, in due time.

  7. Truthy,, I think the person we have to learn to trust is OURSELVES. In the past we thought we trusted ourselves to keep us safe, and that obviously wasn’t true. We couldn’t be trusted to keep ourselves safe…because of the thought processes and belief systems we used to make decisions on “safety” but now that we have seen that our previous belief systems (like “everyone deserves a second chance” I’m not perfect so I can expect others to be” and so on) we know that these thoughts and beliefs are MYTHS.

    True, we are not perfect, and others are also not perfect, but, BUT, there are some things that are so TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE that we cannot tolerate them even ONCE, and sure enough NOT TWICE.

    Now that we are starting to set boundaries that once crossed, there IS NO SECOND CHANCE…WE CAN ENFORCE THESE BOUNDARIES.

    We actually, I think, have to mentally make a “list” of what these boundaries are.

    My list essentially is not too complex.

    1. Liars…don’t need em
    2. Thieves…don’t need them
    3. Manipulators…nope
    4. People who are irresponsible…not my friends
    5. Leeches and mooches…nope
    6. Hateful to anyone or any thing…not my friend

    I have come to realize that “poor planning on another’s part is not an emergency on my part.”

    So when I see any of those broadly defined behaviors in someone, I back away…quietly or otherwise.

    I did not realize until I started setting boundaries, realistic ones, that I had a whole covey of abusers around my life as “friends.” Recently I was contacted by someone I used to consider a “close friend” and she was updating me on her life in the last couple of years since I had heard from her and went into great detail on how she had “divested herself” of her substantial assets so that she qualified for medicaid, food stamps etc. and was advising me to follow her example.

    After the call I got to thinking about this and decided that “you know, this woman is and always has been dishonest to some extent or another,” so why do I need her as a “friend?” Well the truth is I don’t need her in my life.

    Welfare fraud, even if you have enough assets to hire a lawyer to put your money in trusts of some kind so you qualify for benefits “legally” doesn’t make it RIGHT. I have no intention of doing that even if it were possible. Sure I’d like to get food stamps and my medicare supplement policy paid, but it would be DISHONEST so I’m not interested. I’m not wealthy by a long shot and my income is limiited but I’m not going to cheat the taxpayers.

    In any case…I’ve eliminated many such people from my circle of “friends”—I’d rather have 2-3 good friends that are honest, up right, caring people than 1,000 friends who are any of the crooked people that populate my life.

    • OxD, I just don’t have the time or energy to involve myself with toxic or crooked people. I’ve done the same thing with people in my life, too – even if they aren’t clearly disordered but simply toxic, they’re out.

      The friendships that I do have are important to me – they’re people who speak truthfully and live “good” lives, rather than pretenders or mimics.

  8. Truthy, none of us is perfect and we shouldn’t expect others to be “perfect” either…but there is a big difference between making a “mistake” and making a BAD CHOICE. A mistake is when you add your checking balance wrong and bounce a check…a bad CHOICE is when you write a check on an account you know is not high enough to cash it.

    Even good people sometimes make bad choices, BUT they do not make a HABIT OF IT….and those choices are not ones that HURT other people. I’ve made plenty of bad choices, but they ended up hurting me. I chose to continue to “hope” my friends and family that were toxic would change….but eventually I came to realize that was a BAD choice and I changed MYSELF and my relationships with them.

    I learned to set boundaries.

    • OxD, absolutely spot-on!!! I personally don’t expect “perfection” from anyone – my dear gawd, I’ve made countless mistakes and errors in judgment, and that’s perfectly “okay,” because I am completely human, mortal, and imperfect.

      I’m in complete agreement that “bad” choices are actually a necessity because we cannot learn without making mistakes, as well as triumphs. I, too, have maintained a false hope on numerous occasions that a toxic person would change, to my own detriment. But, that was the only way that I could actually absorb the lesson about the difference between my feelings, and facts, and bind the “emotional mind” with the “practical mind” to finally begin developing a “wise mind.” I’m still in the infancy of the “wise mind,” and it’s really pretty comforting to finally know that wisdom is attainable! LOL

      Yes……….boundaries. For myself, as well. 🙂

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