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How Psychopaths Self-Sabotage. — 54 Comments

  1. I love that song! And how fitting, because it’s been nagging me for 3 years what I would say or do if the ex spath approached me and now I finally have my answer- “Hit the road!”

  2. Just a bit of fun–but I think it captures all of our individual experiences of NC. At one point we all had to say to ourselves, ‘Hit the road’ for our sanity.

    If anyone is listening in, NC means No Contact which is the first step to healing from a spath.


  3. Me too Woundlicker. I’d be dead if I hadn’t run from him. He had a sabotage set up for me, but I messed it up by leaving. I imagine he is still fuming over it.

    I have a suggestion, for a movie to rent: Rachel Getting Married.

    It seems like a family drama, but there is a spath in it and I’m wondering if anybody will be able to “spot the spath”! It’s very sneaky and IMO, a good way to sharpen your spath spotting skills.

    • Skylar Dahling,

      While viewing this film Rachel’s sister is the obvious family scape goat and too obvious to be the psycho for the subtlety you are teaching us. Voila! Her Mama is the culprit though don’t want my post to spoil anyone’s guess. Please delete or hide my response. My eternal gratitude for the articles and comments here on 180. It feels like Grad school and a Phd for wisened degreed targets. Love & Prayers, Carmen

      • LV,

        Thanks for dropping by.
        Yes, you nailed it.
        She went into charm, pity and finally rage, when Rachel’s sister confronted her. In the end she slithered away from the wedding, trying not to let anyone notice.

        It’s ok to leave your response up. I hope more people watch this movie to see the interesting spath portrayal in it.

        I haven’t been on the blog much lately, been very busy with home life. But it’s nice to drop by and re-read some of the articles and comments.

        It reminds me of how much I’ve learned and how much I still have to learn. Thank God for Rene Girard and all the other authors who have shared their wisdom.


        • Sky Dahling,
          That was a very interesting movie and one I would not have known of without your recommendation. Mostly only view very old G rated films. Do you know of the Web of Narcissist http://www.woncinema.blogspot.com/ cinema with many films and documentaries on this very subject?
          Can’t wait for my Theatre of Envy book to arrive which was ordered online yesterday. God has given you a powerful ministry and there is so much for we lambs to feed upon here and learn to defend ourselves from the wolves in sheeps clothing. Truly, after so many years have passed and the gaslighting was so severe that I was hospitalised 3 times with nervous breakdowns in the seven years the woman (a psychologist) who I thought was one of my best friends was trying to drive me to s; now am grateful for the very hard lesson learned. Love & Prayers to you and yours, LV

          • LV,
            OMG, that is an AWESOME website! Thanks for the link!
            I spent quite some time watching the movies that portray the different PD’s. I especially enjoyed Anthony Hopkins as a schizoid and Jack Lemmon as the OCPD Felix Ungar.

            Really this was priceless. I think I’ll put it a link to it on 180rule.

          • Sky Dahling,

            So thrilled you enjoyed the films – she has several other great blogs on vampire myths revealing much about psychos and fairy tales as well.
            Cannot thank you enough for introducing me to Renee Girard my new favorite author. Just read Theatre of Envy and must say it is brilliant and life changing. So much now makes sense that baffled me before. Now, have ordered two more of his books and viewed many interviews with him on you tube. A man after my heart! How did you discover him? I thought I had read everything ever written about psychopaths and envy and had never come across anything as original and inspired as Monsiour Girard’s theories.

          • Lady V,
            Girard is amazing. Though he doesn’t refer very much to psychopaths, in my mind, he is the only one who TRULY GETS IT. He gets the whole thing.

            When I left my psychopathic partner, I had the realization that his attacks on me were in part, from his hatred for his mother. I was a substitute victim. So I researched/googled “substitute victim” and Girard is the ONLY one who has really written extensively on that subject — especially in Violence and the Sacred.

            Spaths are all about making us pay. The victim has to pay with his/her life. But what did the victim do to owe such a huge debt? Nothing, the victim is a scapegoat, a substitute who will pay for all the imagined narcissistic injuries that the spath feels he has endured.

            Girard really, really understands the scapegoat mechanism that abusers use. He’s a genius.

            So glad you found his books.

          • Yes, Sky Dahling Monsiour Girard is a genius and the rare one with humility and grace. Thank God he is on our side!

            We are on the winning side in this epic battle!

            Love & Prayers,

  4. Woundlicker and all,

    Me too. I am right with you. No contact saved my butt! First, for 13 years with my mother and stepfather, and then with the last spath. It had to happen, first, for me to gain any kind of perspective, and begin to reframe my experiences.

    Though my therapist never came out and told me my mother was a Narcissist, she did say I had Chronic Post Traumatic Syndrome, and showed me this was my diagnosis, that she submitted to the insurance company. Then she explained how continued contact with the person/situation of trauma would make it more difficult to do the work of healing, as I would be continually re-traumatized.

    I didn’t really hear her at the time, but eventually went NC with my immediate family, after a physical altercation with my mother, where she scratched me, hit me, and told me what an ungrateful and spiteful shit I was, after confronting her about some things that happened in my childhood. My stepfather pronounced I was no longer welcome at home. THANK GOODNESS!!!!

    My therapist also explained I would likely set up situations in my life that were re-enactments of my original traumas. Boy, was she right! Did it.

    Later, when I went NC with the final spath, I knew what I was doing, and why. I really don’t see how anyone could continue full contact and hope to heal. I now have limited contact with my parents, and it goes pretty well. My awareness, good boundaries, and distance keep me centered and generally pretty capable of keeping it ‘unpersonal’.

    Sadly, my stepfather has paid a high price for all these years with my mom.

    I don’t know if it would be useful to anyone here, but looking up PTSD (Sky, you posted a site on LF: Out of the fog? Great description of CPTSD), really aided me in my healing. It helped me validate why I was making such a mess of things, and that I could, in fact, put the pieces back together. Another book is Children of the Self-absorbed.

  5. Skylar,

    I saw that movie. Now I don’t remember enough details. But I remember going ‘hah! there’s a spath!’…..just don’t remember who.

    Read an excellent fiction novel, We Need to Talk About Kevin. Wow! what an understanding the author has. Some excellent insight, not just about psychopathology, but about motherhood and the strange ideas society has about the unquestioned link between nurturing and ‘bad’ children. As well, it shows how, in the face of massive contrary evidence, people can be in total denial of the presence of evil, and how this can drive the person seeing it ‘crazy’. This author must have some personal experience. I don’t see how she could have written this book without it.

  6. Slim,
    thanks for talking about CPTSD, I had heard of it but not researched it until you mentioned it on LF. To me it really confirms that all the cluster B’s are SLIME. We get it from our parents or other people who are close to us. The difference seems to be the type of defense mechanism we choose against it. We are still affected either way, but the disorder is presented in the defense mechanism rather than the shame itself.

    NC works because slime/shame is contagious. I still haven’t figured out how to make it non-stick!

    I don’t want to give away who the spath is, in case other people want to watch it.

  7. When I threw the spath out I felt as crazy as a loon and felt like I was inside a shell. I had nothing to hang onto in reality as all was gone that I knew, and I found the concept of NC. I hung to it like a drowning swimmer to a bit of raft wood.

    I was so psychologically, emotionally and spiritually damaged with PTSD and trauma. I kept thinking over and over -He’s done it this time. He has killed me. I might be walking –but I am dead inside.

    After he left he parked his car outside my home for a year and a half whilst he went to work. Between what he did to me and this I developed a stress related psychosis. I had one thought-me and kids weren’t safe and nothing else penetrated my mind.

    I got treatment thank God as I had only one emotion–terror.

    A great counsellor years ago told me to ask myself ‘what did I do wrong’ whenever I felt unsure, shame or guilt. This helped me put things into perpspective and place these on the person they belong to. It also helped me see that my comments to him were innocent and it was him that put them out of context by twisting my words.

    Worth a try


    Thanks for listening.


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