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Denial is the Mythology of our Future. — 33 Comments

  1. Skylar, I’d prefer to just stay in the cocoon. I don’t trust myself and feel exceedingly vulnerable and ill equipped to decipher in the moment and in the future. I’m so grateful that I have a safe space to cocoon in.
    Regarding self grey rocking……I really think he did it to me then discarded me like a broken toy because it wasn’t fun anymore and he certainly didn’t have the interest or responsibility to help fix it. The uncertainties, inconsistencies and confusion wore me down and made me grey rock. He broke it and realized it was to complicated to maintain in the first place. It’s like being dead set on getting this shinny car you see on the side of the road but then once you have it, you park it under the tree in the driveway and let the pine sap and bird shit build up on it and the squirrels make nests in the engine. When it no longer runs and isn’t shiny anymore you have it hauled away. He didn’t stop to think that a car like that should be kept in a garage and needs to be maintained. He got some good rides out of it and looked good sporting around in it but now it’s broken and not fun anymore. Discard.
    His vehicle is a work “truck” that his mother lets him drive and belonged to his dead father. He barely takes care of that. How’s that for a ” tell”? Lives in his mothers basement. How’s that for a red flag?
    I really thought I loved him. WTF! I don’t know what to think about that now! Was there even ever someone real to love?
    I don’t know about that analogy but its as good as I can muster right now. I’m so drained.
    I can’t believe now emotionally destroyed I feel. The chrysalis feels like its to thick to ever break through.
    I think it’s a testament to your power and strength that you went through something like this for as long as you did. It amazes me because my situation was nothing compared to what you have endured and I’m wrecked. I love the hanging upside down part of your analogy. My world is upside down and I’m not dealing all that well with the disorienting perspective. It’s too jarring.
    I think that because of my personal issues and vulnerabilities I need things to be consistent and solid and definitely not upside down. He has no clue what he has done.
    Excuse the ramble. I hope something was worth saying in this!

    • Dorothy,
      I see what you mean about him painting you gray. Spaths do paint us gray because they are so envious when we shine that eventually they train us to stop shining or we’ll be punished.

      Still, it was us who decided to stop shining rather than leave the pathetic envious spath.

      Yes, we both had some serious red flags flying but we didn’t know what they meant. Of course, the spath was more than eager to give us excuses for those red flags.

      It takes experience to figure out the truth. That truth was not one we could ever have imagined on our own.

      • Oh so very very true. I could NEVER have imagined it on my own. The horror!
        He didn’t just give excuses, he punished me emotionally for just noticing them and having the audacity to speak of and question them. He found it insulting.
        He used to tell me how beautiful I was and it felt like a tactic. I told him early on that an ex of mine told me he loved me and when I asked him why he loved me he managed to sputter out…” Because you’re pretty “. He knew that really bothered me and I now think the reason he made such a point of telling me that was to irk me.
        I don’t know…….I’m reading about Aspergers and some can be very contentious, provocative, perverted. Spathy. I see serious traits of it in us both but the Spathy variety in him for sure. Crazy. Wow.
        They want us shiny because it makes them look shiny but they envy our authenticity so they want to destroy it?

        • Dorothy, I just finished reading the link you sent me with the summary of Dr. Hans Asperger’s paper on Autistic Psychopathy. It’s a keeper! I went ahead and added a link to it on my left side links to other websites. Awesome information. Thank you!

          • Skylar, ya! It’s interesting. I’m not sure what to make of it!
            Soooo much to learn and take in these days! D

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